|
|
|
June 15th, 2003
 | 11:58 am - Memories & Romantic Friendships
A few years ago I heard the term romantic friendship (applied to close friendships that had many trappings of the relationship on has with a lover, but does not involve sex) and was struck by how much this describes a number of the closer relationships I've had. Of course, because the line between friendship and romance is almost nonexistent for me, the difference largely depends upon the other person's wishes and desires in this matter. When I recently thought about this matter, I remembered the first time I ever feel in love with a guy. There is a sort of (often romantic) friendship that was best captured for me in the eccentric and wonderful fantasy novel Moonwise by Greer Ilene Gilman. This is a friendship that typically happens when one is relatively young (for me it happened in college) – they tend to be highly insular and deeply private and contain much talk of magic and secrets, private symbols, secret languages, and at least a mild separation from what most people consider to be reality. In fiction I mostly see such friendships portrayed between young women, but I have had two that have been like that archetype. The second naturally was with Aaron, but while lasting and strong, it was in some ways less extreme and as a result less painfully intense in part because Aaron for all his eccentricities was significantly more stable than the first person I had such a friendship with.
B. was a wonder, he talked at great length about what a misanthrope he was and would spend several hours talking to anyone who cared to listen about how little he enjoyed being around other people, an amusing contradiction that I found immediately and deeply charming. My junior year of college we became fast friends. Like me, he wished and needed to be useful to others and spend a remarkable amount of his time talking to other people about their problems. People came to him for all manner of troubles and he would at minimum help them feel somewhat better. As with Aaron, I was very much Watson to his eccentric and wonderful Holmes. I came to B. for support, but also provided much back to him. It was with him that I learned to talk of secrets in a crowded hallway by speaking in an informal code formed from references to comic books, fantasy novels, and private symbols. I vividly remember when someone looked quizzically at us, he responded "Don't' you wish that you too worked for NORAD"… We spent a great deal of time in his spartan dorm room, sitting close talking of topics of great import, while sharing thoughts of self-deprecation and occasional backrubs.
I remember when I first realized that I was in love with him. Over the summer, I talked with him on the phone and since the apartment I was subletting only had a phone in the living room I asked for privacy during the phone call. After an our of laughter, joy, and whispered comments I hung up and one of my apartment mates asked if I was talking to a girlfriend, I looked surprised and responded that I was talking to B. and there was a brief and somewhat odd pause in the conversation. It was more than a week later that I realized that I was likely in love with B. Sadly, that was not long before the end, that combined with the fact that I suspected he was solely straight kept me from ever letting him know how I felt.
The end of the previous college year, B. withdrew from his classes because of stress, in large part because the help he provided to others took over his life to an unhealthy degree. This deeply troubled me and when he came back the next year he was a bit different, more intense and focused on both self-loathing and on the real and imagined betrayals of others. He did not stay in class long the next semester and in my naive view as an extremely sheltered college student, leaving school was little different from moving away or some form of social death. Also, as his obsessions intensified, he focused his loathing on a young woman living in the room next to mine as a great and terrible betrayer. The break between B. and I took a while to completely shatter what we once had, but began when I erased one of the more hostile comments about her that he wrote on my message board and then asked him to cease.
My action was useful in one context, I became friends with the target of B.'s loathing and she encouraged me to see the recently released movie The Year of Living Dangerously, in large part because we both saw the character of Billy (brilliantly played by Linda Hunt) as being disturbing close to B and after I saw it, we talked of his growing instability. That is still a film I treasure and was the beginning of my love of Peter Weir's films. In any case, my growing friendship with Aaron did not help matters with B. - they each unconsciously saw the other as a threat. In a manner quite similar to what I saw happen between  imester and her once dear friend Ladonna, his caring turned to hatred and talk of betrayal. A few days ago, when I first thought of him, I attempted to locate him on the web. His name produced a number of links to people talking about tai chi, which was once a passion of his, but both of the email addresses were dead - which is perhaps somehow fitting.
There is perhaps a link between instability and that particular sort of intense and special romantic friendship. It was only a few days ago that I remembered that my friendship with B. had been so much like those I have seen with other people and in books like Moonwise. I wonder if that sort of intensity can be sustained when one is older – it has been my experience that as people enter their 20s, many of the people whose intense eccentricities allow such friendships to form become gradually more unstable. I have had several friendships that were at least as intense since then, but none that had the particular private and magical edge to it. I would be interested to know if anyone has ever managed to have such friendships endure and remain at all similar.
Current Mood:  nostalgic
Current Music: Lovers in a Dangerous Time -Bruce Cockburn
|
I have had similar relationships. I think the unhealthy angle generally came from my side. I can get really attached in this type of situation. My most recent one was probably also the most intense. It was from about 2000-2001 and lasted about 15 months I guess, and was solely online. (I am 42 now so it does happen when some people are older; she was about 20-21.) This was also the most intense experience I'd had, and when it ended (due similarly to the influence of a person I saw as a threat and who saw me as one), I definitely felt betrayed. Big time. It took a while but I was able to come to the point where I can communicate with her if I have to and be polite, but there are all sorts of boundaries between us now.
There is another relationship I have with a gay male friend whom I met in 1984; we have, over that 19 year period, gone thru several phases of intense closeness. It'll last a year or two and then we'll repell and sometimes even lose contact. Invariably at some point we are drawn back together. I don't know if we'll ever reach that level again, as it's always been pretty dependent on proximity to maintain it, and we'll probably never live in the same area again.
![[User Picture]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/95745906/561230) | | From: | sythyry |
|---|
| Date: | June 16th, 2003 08:46 am (UTC) |
|---|
| | | (Link) |
|
Y'know, I never guessed that at all. Of course, I never guessed a couple of things that should have been even more obvious to me, by proximity if nothing else. I was very clever then, but not very clever. | | From: | heron61 |
|---|
| Date: | June 16th, 2003 11:22 am (UTC) |
|---|
| | | (Link) |
|
Given that I didn't quess until it was almost over and I never told him, this isn't terribly surprising. I would be interested to know if anyone has ever managed to have such friendships endure and remain at all similar.
Excellent question, but I don't know yet. I'll probably need another decade before I can look back and see... | | From: | heron61 |
|---|
| Date: | June 18th, 2003 12:41 pm (UTC) |
|---|
| | | (Link) |
|
Hmm, now I'm intensely curious, tell me more in some forum or other. When we talk on the phone, remind me... |
|
