May 7th, 2008
|12:47 am - Musings of an Ex-Sidekick|
When I was much younger, I was always very much attracted to strange, exotic, and magical people, but considered myself to be someone whose own life and experiences were fairly mundane and that my ticket to wonders I was certain existed was to seek out various unusual people and bask in their strangeness. My preferred mode for several decades was as the sidekick and close companion to someone eccentric and wonderful. Being a sidekick was specifically an important part of how I defined myself . It’s only been within the last seven or eight years that I’ve been willing to believe that I might be such a person myself, and only very recently that I recognized that I still retained a great number of habits from those days that are no longer particular accurate reflections of who I am, even if they are sometimes useful.
My first major success was in my junior year of college, when I became close friends with a deeply eccentric person, as I mention in that post, I was very much the Watson to his Holmes. That role suited me well, and when B. left college because of various emotional issues, I fell into a remarkably similar position with my friend Aaron. I was Aaron’s sidekick for around a decade. We usually went places together, and people always noticed Aaron first (with strongly positive and negative reactions being equally common), and I was very much Aaron’s friend – he GM’d all the games while I played, and I largely considered myself special solely because I was the best friend and confidant of someone amazing and unique.
My place as Aaron’s sidekick continued for slightly more than a decade. Then, his getting involved with Daire, and my involvement with teaotter ended that, but there were already indications that this relationship was changing. I vividly remember that first time that I weirded Aaron out. I’d been pursuing (by various more or less effective means) my studies of the occult since the early 1980s, but nothing really started happening on any major level until I got involved with the coven in LA that trained me as a priest. But, something changed when (as I recount in this post, some gods appeared to me while I was meditating). I remember coming out of my room and telling Aaron about it, he looked at me very oddly and with surprise, in a way that I’d never had him look at me before.
However, that experience was not soon repeated and I assumed that this event had more to do with the gods than with me, and continued to consider myself fairly limited in my abilities and still in need of and in search of people who were truly magical and unique. Aaron was one, my HPS and HP were others.
Then, things began to truly change. Within the same week that Becca and I fell in love, I magically bonded with my dragon in what remains the most powerful piece of ritual magic I’ve ever been a part of. At first, I thought of myself as having simply found another unique being to attach myself to, but as soon as it became clear that this bonding was (at least in my own case) far closer to sharing parts of my soul than merely having an externalized connection to this dragon, my ideas began to shift somewhat.
Somewhere between the growing awareness of how deeply integrated my dragon is and the dual events four years ago of managing to repeat my (rather impressive and highly frenetic success of the seeking romance ritual I first did in 1991 and gaining a connection to an angel , I fully understood that I’m precisely the sort of odd and magical eccentric that I was always hoping to become. I still fall into the sidekick role with exceptional ease. It’s comfortable for me to stand back and let someone more obviously impressive and socially forward attract notice and start conversations, but I also recognize now that this is a choice. It’s also fascinating for me to look back at some of the times I’ve felt truly impressive and realize that on a number of levels I’ve been like this at least since I was 16, but it took me a remarkably long time to recognize this fact.
Current Mood: thoughtful
I have a similar tendency to see myself as someone who needs friends who are superior to me, so I can model them and become them. When I was younger, I looked up to other girls I thought were prettier and more socially adept than I was. These girls could do no wrong and I was privileged to be in their presence.
Now, it has shifted. I look up to people of both genders, and focus on those who are more spiritually evolved, smarter, and have better character than I do. I overidealize them and consider myself blessed to be in their presence. I consider it a miracle that I am friends with several people who are clearly my superiors.
I think that you do not give yourself sufficient credit. You are wonderful in and of yourself.
I have often found that I also fall into the "#2
" position. E.g., being the 2nd in command, the Advisor (a role I relish!), best friends with the "alpha male", etc. Part of it has been to "be in charge" without "being held responsible".I have a similar tendency to see myself as someone who needs friends who are superior to me, so I can model them and become them.
I think you've hit the nail right on the head with this. As a Fool/Trickster who uses Modeling a great deal, I'd never consciously made this connection as to why it was that I would often want to be #1
's favorite. Given my instinctive Modeling of others, this makes perfect sense to me now.
Thank you both for this post & reply, as it specifically hits me with something that I needed to hear tonight, as part of my BBold Working.
Wow, now that's a lifestyle I've never had; Course, I've alternated between being the nutcase and the voice of sanity. Seems like I'm either the logistics officer or the random element, never the sidekick.
i don't think of myself as impressive, i don't like crowds. but all through highschool and some university i had a "sidekick", someone who happily went along with whatever i was up too, but for some reason didn't feel like initiating anything. she did, however nix the biking, but we had zany tame fun like walking for 16 k across town and watching anime.
now i might have fallen into the side kick position, but i like not having to drive everywhere, and want to be the side kick of someone with the skills i want to acquire and the inertia moving forwards. so i'm hoping to be a sidekick on outdoors stuff like back packing
This is awesome, and I enjoyed reading and re-reading the various posts linked...
Also, I just wanted to say that I love your new LJ style. It's more outgoing and also suits you better than the ones before (IMO) -- has a sort of Revolutionary Girl Utena feel, between the color and font scheme -- and is very readable. Well done!
Thank you! It took me a while of playing with it (as well as some vividly eye-searing intermediate steps), but I'm quite pleased with the result.